When I Was Eight
When I was around eight years old, my parents took me to a huge church. I remember sitting in the seats in awe because this church was different than the one my parent's worked for. It had thousands of seats and lighting and everything was where it was supposed to be. The music started and I watched as the Worship Pastor began the service and I knew that one day I would be right there.
That's how old I was when I started to work towards my career path as a Worship Pastor. Eight. I knew that one day I would work for that church.
I started to build a relationship with my Worship Director. She taught me how to choose the right music, how to play the piano, how to pick out various voice parts, and how to teach a choir.
I started to direct the Children's choir first and then the Teen Choir, and then I joined the Youth Worship Team, and slowly made my way onto the Adult Worship Team and Choir. After a couple of years, I helped her with the Adult Worship by picking out new songs, and figuring out instrumental parts as well as recruiting team members. Every once in a while, I would direct the adult choir and lead rehearsals. She taught me MediaShout and lighting cues, and everything in between.
Fast forward and I am working for a new church that had no Worship Pastor. I became one of four Worship Leaders and was made part of the Creative Team as well as learned the job description for the Communications Director Position. My boss taught me how to use Photoshop and a DSLR Camera. How to build websites and design printing material. She pushed me to build Sunday services and to think up new ideas and concepts around Christmas and Easter time.
And then I finally landed the job at that church that my parents brought me to when I was eight years old. And I hated it....
You see. I wasn't the same girl anymore. I wasn't "on fire" for Jesus. I didn't talk spiritually. I was just being me. I was broken and I was human. This me had just gone through a whole lot of shit within my life and I came out of it cynical, angry, sad, and ten times less likely to fake shit.
And that's not the way things work for people who work in ministry. You can't have a messy life and work in a church. You can't make mistakes and come out with a job. You can't go through a bout of depression and still be considered for leading worship.
You can't do a lot of human things and still be of value within a church.
And that's all kinds of fucked up.
So I vowed from then on to never change who I was, to never pretend that my life is shiny, and to always be transparent when it comes to my emotions, my life, and my hardships because I don't want to be perceived as perfect. I don't want to be any less than who I am and that's only human.
And from being and allowing myself to be human, I have found God in a way that I never could have before. I had to lose faith in Him to find hope in Him again. I had to lose my church to find a God I could actually follow. I had to royally fuck up my life to find kindness and love within myself and for others.