I’m Not Going to Lie, I’m Tired.

Sitting in bed today pondering my life. So much of who I am is strong. I like being that independent woman. But grace. Well, giving someone grace sometimes means there is weakness present. Well, maybe not weakness. Maybe just softness. To let go is to say to a person I love you more than making you feel the hurt you gave me. So much of that has been exercised lately for me. To look a person in the eye and say “I love you” when my heart says “You have made me feel worth nothing.”

At times, I feel as if I should walk around holding my heart like it is made of glass. Too afraid to hand it to someone lest they drop it and shatter it, too afraid to let anyone near it in case they touch it and leave their fingerprint on it, too afraid to let anyone breathe near it because they might fog it up. Because that’s what people do with glass. They are clumsy with it. And my heart, it is made of glass. But I feel as if maybe my heart might look like one of those chinese dishes. Shattered, yes. But put back together with gold.Smudged, but now has the opportunity to get twice as clean. Fogged up, but I can write something in it.

I am not going to lie. I am tired. My heart is weary. My eyes swollen from tears. I still feel as if I am only a person worth loving on a rainy day. But I can’t let myself shut out the world. And I can’t blame anyone for my shattered, fingerprinted, fogged up heart but myself. I gave it away. I put it in their hands. I trusted them with it.

…and in the end, they are only just human.